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This is just the beginning of your journey healing from betrayal trauma.
If this were the only moment I had to share a message with you about your husband's porn use, it's this:
Your husband's porn use ISN'T THE END of EVERYTHING good in your life.
I am here to debunk the patriarchal myth that porn is the gateway drug to ruining your entire life and existence.
A lot of you were taught that this is the case—but it is not.
It may have been a tactic utilized to create fear and get men to stop—but the unfortunate unintentional impact is that women on the other side have now internalized the belief that “if my husband is looking at porn he’ll do more, and now I’m screwed, and I have no control over any of this!”
You are then left feeling devastated, isolated, helpless, and powerless because you have done EVERYTHING in your power to get him to stop yet
He. Still. Hasn’t. stopped.
I hear you, friend. Your husband’s porn use can feel like betrayal. Perhaps you're beyond frustrated.
You may have been told by your husband before marriage that he looked here and there, but that porn was no longer a current problem—except it is. You were given a sense of security that has now gone out the window, and you now feel trapped, isolated, and alone.
If you can relate, it's ok to open up to the idea that ultimately, you were lied to and now might be existing in a space where you’ve completely lost yourself because you’re focused on what a “good wife” would do: follow the patriarchal demand of losing yourself in loyalty to your husband and his needs, while seamlessly forgetting your own in order to save your marriage. The things that ruin marriage are when we misdiagnose problems and then get attached to the wrong problems trying to get fixed.
There are definitely scenarios where the communication between husband and wife has been open and honest--yet sometimes you still feel frustrated at his lack of progress--or perhaps it's getting worse. It's ok to feel exactly how you feel, whether your husband has been 100% truthful, mostly truthful, or only partially truthful about his porn use.
Sometimes his porn use elicits confusion on your end: You're mad at him, yet you might find yourself wanting to have more sex because it just might turn him around—this can sometimes be the result of a fawning trauma response.
You might have deep fears, wondering what his porn use means for your family, and even your salvation.
Living in a marriage where your husband is looking at porn can be a confusing and scary place to be. It can feel like you’re going to lose everything: your marriage, family, your kids.
I’m here to teach you how to find clarity and calm within yourself so that you can be empowered and conscious enough to move forward in a powerful way FOR YOU.
While there’s no guarantee that your marriage won’t fail, or that he’ll stop looking at porn, I can guarantee that I’ll help to put you on a path where you can be grounded, loving, and conscious of your own needs and wants, no matter what your husband decides.
Porn use is connected to attachment: a man is seeking connection with vulnerability, a hit without having to be rejected. If we look closer at what most husbands are doing, we see that they’re numbing out and freezing. I will teach you how to understand this on a deeper level so that you can further understand from within that this actually has nothing to do WITH YOU.
Together, we will advocate that stopping porn is the goal, and that it’s time to advocate for intimacy in your marriage. You are worth advocating for.
Many women are conditioned to self-betray in the name of the greater good, i.e. helping the man.
The truth is, women are the greater good too, and I will teach you how to focus on that. Together, we’ll address previous conditioning you may have grown up with. We’ll create boundaries.
When there have been lies (whether from your husband, passed down in the culture you grew up in), navigating YOUR truth can be hard. Not only hard, it can be blocked a little when we're in trauma. I’ll teach you how to get into your body and learn to fully trust your intuition.I'M IN. LET'S GET STARTED.
There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to this type of healing—I will show you how to access your intuition so that you can successfully internalize and use the tools I provide. Healing is possible, and together we will make it happen.
I know group work can be scary—I used to be afraid because someone might recognize me, or see my faults and flaws too clearly. The truth about constructive group work, though, is that it’s a shame-dissipator and elevates higher levels of consciousness.
In group work, we approach serious topics with like-minded purpose. Our brains observe everything happening in the world at a rapid pace, and we’re constantly making interpretations of what we see, hear, and feel. A group coaching setting feels a lot safer for many people because it’s a way for our brains to internalize truths without feeling directly threatened. We’re watching others and making connections. Through that we feel the truth of love, acceptance, active healing, and energy exchanges. This type of group energy creates a space for an elevated plane of healing.
If you can relate, it's time you and women everywhere to stop feeling powerless and instead advocate for what they want. Finding balance between and focusing on the self will only enhance your entire healing process. It’s time for you to feel safe enough in your body so you can truly internalize the truth that porn doesn’t have to be the end-all be-all.
You don’t have to be alone in this anymore. I am here to walk you through every step, and to help you come out the other side a more whole, intuitive, confident woman. Studies show the effectiveness of healing in communities. Come give it a try.
SO . . . ARE YOU DONE
Feeling like a victim to your husband’s porn use?
Wondering if it’s possible to repair your marriage?
Feeling committed to your husband but confused about what his porn use means for you?
Wondering what’s real and not real in your marriage?
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO
Heal from the emotional wounds that tend to come after finding out his past or present porn use.
Know in your bones that his actions have NOTHING to do with you, your beauty, worth, and lovability.
Find strength and clarity for yourself, and your marriage.
Rise up, discover, and step into the energy of the incredible woman that you already are.
This can happen whether he’s stopping, stopped, or not stopping his behavior.
Seven years ago I thought I had it all.
Then one day out of the blue, my husband told me he had been lying to me for years about his porn use.
I felt betrayed. I was gutted. I felt like I had no one to talk to and didn’t know what to do.
I started questioning everything. It felt as though my life had 180’d.
To top it all off, within a week of telling me, he started having panic attacks. He then stopped working due to anxiety, depression, and side-effects of his medication.
I had a 4 year old, 2 year old, 3 month old and became a caretaker for my husband.
I didn’t see any positive end game.
I spent a lot of time struggling to survive.
I became an avid information gatherer. I read, listened to a LOT of podcasts, and talked to trusted friends.
I needed more.
I went to traditional therapy. I went to specialized therapy. I went to energy workers, muscle testers, practiced yoga (all great things that still serve me today).
I needed more.
It wasn’t until I got a life coach that my healing came full circle.
I was then able to start believing that I could be confident, connected, and optimistic about my life again.
And now, years later, I still find value in the practice of multiple modalities, which is why I make this available to clients in my program today.
Today I am thriving: not because my circumstances magically changed.
I am THRIVING because I followed a plan. A plan I needed specific to my body.
I now teach this plan to my clients.
I teach people like you how to accelerate your healing--by getting clear on what needs to heal and avoid unnecessary suffering.
I teach people like you how to get the live you deserve, faster.
I teach people like you how to have the clarity and openness that you're dreaming of. u’ve always dreamed of.
Are you struggling in your marriage due to your husband’s past or present porn use?
Do you want to be a part of a constructive group of women who support you in your healing?
My 12-month Self Advocacy Coaching Program Includes:
- A set of 5 Introductory Concepts Videos.
- 16 weeks of accessible training modules dropped weekly (40+ videos).
- Monthly community office hours (guaranteed 20 calls per program). These calls will take place at a set monthly time during 2024 (1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month at 12:00pm Pacific/ 1:00pm Mtn/ 2:00pm Central/ 3:00pm Eastern/ 8:00pm Uk/ 9:00pm Paris). At least half, if not more, will be run by me. One of these 2 calls will be for members of any of my entire community to get help with anything.
- Upgrade options for 1:1 coaching with trauma-informed coaches trained personally by me & a betrayal trauma therapist.
- Advanced tools Access (dropped monthly after the 4th month). Videos include Feminism, Intersectionality, Patriarchy, Continuums, Understanding Emotional Abuse in Marriage, and more.
- Videos to practice various grounding techniques.
- Immediate Access to 5+ Tapping Calls with a Somatic Expert and the option to participate in Quarterly Group Tapping during 2024.
- Immediate Access to Intro to Chakras call with a Somatic Healer along with 8+ additional calls to learn more and self-apply in the portal.
Join our community of strong, like-minded women who are ready to carve out their own marriage in a way that works for them. You deserve to learn how accommodate yourself for the first time, and certainly not the last. You don’t have to be alone in this anymore. We will heal together, and you will be more than okay. That is my guarantee.
I’m torn between investing in him vs investing in me. Help!
How do I get more 1:1 time with you?
When will the calls be?
Can I get group coaching on things that aren’t porn?
I’ve been to other support groups that don’t seem helpful. It seems like a complaint festival.
My husband doesn’t have a porn problem any more but I’m still struggling from the effects of it—will this program still be relevant?
"How to Stop Looking at Porn" was originally a podcast I recorded with my partner, Danny (who now runs the Chainbreaker program). While my approach today is more somatic-based, there are still many episodes to help support you through your husband's porn use.
Want access to my library of resources, workbooks, trainings, etc. I've put together throughout my work supporting women working through this? Fill out the form below and I'll send it your way.